The winds have changed; a new season is
underway. We do still live under a perpetual blanket of grey, the slumbering
effects of which became apparent when we received three days of
sunshine. It made us feel like underground creatures emerging from a cave,
bewildered, to bask in the sun with squinting eyes. The sea is still frozen,
and our winter boots are still crunching snow on our walks to school. Even so,
the birds have begun to sing, lifting me from my ponderings, and talk of the
future is now in the air.
‘After MSLS’ was a topic of no interest and
of some taboo before winter break. But we’ve come through the bend of the
year’s bottom, and everything is different now. In my thoughts and dreams, and
in my conversations, images of possible futures have begun to float. Scattered
and formless at first, ideas are now beginning to crystallize. It feels ever so
different from facing the end of my three years at University College, or ‘the
black line on the horizon’ in California. Here in MSLS it’s always been about
the future and the wider world. MSLS is a social island, but it’s not insular.
Everyone has come to gain skills and knowledge, to change a bit, all in
preparation to go back out there better equipped to make a contribution. And a
warm network of alumni, with fondness in their hearts for the program that has
done so much for them, is waiting for us at the finish line. Looking to the
future and its potential is exciting this time. Daunting, sure, but not depressing.
Until then, life here continues to be
intense. We have begun work on our thesis, in teams of three. After practicing
for months with increasingly longer and more demanding group projects, this is
the crown jewel. We all knew the drill when we began: sit down and start the
process of the coming months with a ‘governance meeting’: a radically honest
round about our work styles, our personality flaws and virtues, our values, hot
buttons, dreams and personal learning objectives. We began creating timelines
and shared mental models. We scheduled time for work, for tactical meetings,
for check-ins and feedback moments, and for celebration. We have been
conditioned well.
Thesis will dominate our lives until we
graduate, and it’s reflected in the shifted social landscape: people have
mostly found their social niche and daily routines. By nature of large groups,
and by design of the program, our class has disbanded a bit. Though all of us
want to make an effort to counter this dispersion, it’s a challenge to do so
under so much work pressure. It’s the ever-elusive balance between focused and
lateral vision. I know I struggle with it. I am fully immersed in my own
intense personal journey, which is emotionally exhausting – though bless its
many everlasting gifts. So I’ve got my blinders on, feeling I don't have enough
energy and attention left to engage with everyone in our class, let alone
visitors. Even though being open and warm and welcoming is what I aspire to above
anything.
That is why poking a hole in my MSLS
journey to come to the Netherlands for a long weekend was probably a good idea.
It was a decision I gave some thought, because I wasn’t planning on breaking
out at all this year. I’m attached to the image of the alchemist who can’t let
his beaker leak, if he is to make gold. The many moments I’ve felt trapped and
emotionally overtaxed only fueled my grit. Perseverance and will power are
traits of mine I identify with strongly. It would surely, in some subtle way,
change the nature of my journey, to step out and reflect from a distance during the journey, rather than only at
the end. I’m very happy I went. It normalized things somewhat to be around old
familiar faces and remember how much love there is for me, stored in people in
other places of the world. It also made me realize upon my return just how
tense my baseline state is here. The workload is very demanding, and so is the
closeness of the community. We literally live on top of each other, it’s
sometimes hard to breathe. The emotional havoc it wreaks means that every day
is a dance back to alignment. The latest buzzword here is ‘personal practice’ –
what do you do to keep sane, to stay grounded? – because there is such
an acute need for one.
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed. To run up
against the limits of physical and emotional resources, to grapple with time
poverty, to feel the tightening stomach when going in for another round of
critical feedback, from a group project or from a housemate. But really, there
is abundance. There is inspiration and stimulation every day. Beauty and grace
in our surroundings, and in our wonderful friendships. We do have time. In fact we have dedicated all our time to be fully here for this year’s bounty, falling in
our laps and thrown in our faces. We just need to go slow, one step at a time,
drumming for today. Towards a dawning vision of the future.
